Byron Katie Archives - Cindy Goes Beyond

February 15, 2018February 15, 2018

Thank You Byron Katie

Seven years ago, I found myself in a maelstrom of emotions. My father had died of pancreatic cancer the year before. A long term relationship was being reshaped. A close friend committed suicide. An EF5 tornado destroyed a third of my town, affecting me, family members and friends, and more than 30 clients. I was fiercely determined to go within and face the fears that had haunted me my entire life. I was equally determined to tear down the strongholds that I had built to protect my heart.

I had never felt so alone, or vulnerable, in my life. And yet, that was exactly where I needed to be. Into that time of upheaval and change came author and speaker, Byron Katie.

Byron Katie, known as Katie, was born in 1942 and grew up in Texas. She later moved to Barstow, California, married at age 19, had three children, and entered a career in real estate. Her life seemed typical, blessed even. But Katie began a downward spiral that took her into severe depression, rage, overeating, and addictions to codeine and alcohol.

In 1986, at age 43, unhappy and desperate for help, she entered a half way house for women with eating disorders, the only place her insurance company would pay for. She was housed alone in the attic because the other residents were afraid of her. After two weeks, lying on the floor because she didn’t feel worthy to sleep on the bed, Katie awoke one morning with an epiphany.

She writes, in her first book Loving What Is, “All my rage, all the thoughts that had been troubling me, my whole world, was gone. At the same time, laughter welled up from the depths and just poured out.”

When Katie returned home, she was a different person. Her family and friends soon realized the old Katie was not returning. She shared with others about the freedom she lived in and how through asking herself four questions, she had realized that all of her old thoughts and beliefs were untrue.

Katie’s epiphany was this: “I discovered that when I believed my thoughts, I suffered and that when I didn’t believe them, I didn’t, and that this is true for every human being. Freedom is as simple as that. I found that suffering is optional. I found a joy within me that has never disappeared, not for a moment.”

From her freeing experiences, Katie developed questions for self inquiry, a process that has become known as The Work. She shares that our suffering comes from believing our own stressful thoughts. The Work is a way of identifying and questioning those stressful thoughts.

It consists of four questions and a turn around:

1. Is it true?

2. Can you absolutely know that it is true?

3. How do you react when you think that thought?

4. Who would you be without that thought?

And…turn it around, then find three genuine examples of how the turn around is true in your life.

Using the thought, My friend should listen to me. Is that true? Can I truthfully say someone has to listen to me? Therefore, can I absolutely know that my friend should listen to me? No, I can’t know that. How do I react when I think, or believe, that thought? I feel lonely, unheard, unappreciated, invisible. Who would I be without that thought? I would be happy, content, unconcerned. Turn it around. My friend doesn’t listen to me, becomes I don’t listen to my friend. My friend does listen to me. I don’t listen to myself. It is typically in the turn arounds that the truth is uncovered.

Greg introduced me to the books of Byron Katie. I saw how her wisdom freed him up in areas of his life. Her words shifted my thinking, caused me to question my beliefs about everything, began to tear down the defenses I had constructed to protect my heart from hurt.

I read all three of her books. Over and over. I watched her YouTube videos. I did her Judge Your Neighbor Worksheets, which helped me to get really petty about people and circumstances and then follow The Work through my thoughts, which always brought me back to myself. I listened repeatedly to her books on Audible as I drove my car, replaying certain sections until the words unknotted so many of my old beliefs.

The journey I took was deep, and inward, and ultimately freeing. Late one night, out walking in my storm battered neighborhood, I paused to stretch out, in the dark, on the front porch of a house that was being rebuilt. For the first time, in a very long time, the whirling emotions and thoughts were quiet. And suddenly, lying there in the dark, on that vacant house’s porch, that laughter that Byron Katie speaks about welled up inside me and burst forth. I sat up and laughed and laughed, and long pent up energy that had been trapped around my heart loosened and left my body on waves of laughter. I’m surprised someone didn’t call the police.

Peace descended on me that night. My troubling thoughts went the way of the fear I had already stared down. I was filled with joy and a freedom I had never experienced before. Open to everything, attached to nothing, was born in me at that moment. My life shifted and has not been the same since.

Thank you Byron Katie, for instigating that shift. Thank you for sharing so openly and deeply about your own journey. Thank you for inviting me to fall madly in love, with myself, and for telling me to create a knee shaking, deep as it can go relationship with myself. I have learned so much about who I am, about releasing stressful thoughts and worry, and about living in freedom and joy. You are one who has had a great impact on my life.

Because of Byron Katie, because of The Work, I am free…to be myself and to live in the present moment. I am able to allow others the same freedom. Loving what is? Yes, I am.

Visit Byron Katie’s website HERE.

And order Loving What Is below:

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November 1, 2014

Day 305: National Author’s Day

Today, November 1^st, is National Author’s Day, a time to celebrate favorite authors whose works have had an impact on the lives of their readers. Writers have not only influenced their readerships, they have also influenced culture and shaped history.

National Author’s Day was created by Nellie McPherson to show her appreciation of fiction writer, Irving Bacheller. Ms. McPherson was president of the Bement, IL Women’s Club, in 1928. During World War I, while recovering from an illness, Nellie wrote a fan letter to Mr. Bacheller for his story, Eben Holden’s Last Day A’Fishin. When he acknowledged her letter with an autographed copy of another story, Nellie came up with the idea of a special day to promote authors. She submitted her suggestion to the General Federation of Women’s Club and by 1949 November 1 was recognized as an annual observance by the U.S. Department of Commerce.

I am delighted to discover this holiday, and take this opportunity to show appreciation for some of my favorite authors. I am a reader and have been all my life. Many, many books and authors have influenced me, moved me to laughter and to tears, transported me to another time, culture, or place, and transformed my life. Here is a very brief, and by no means complete, list of authors who have greatly impacted my life.

JRR Tolkien – Lord of the Rings trilogy and The Hobbit. No surprise here. By now my own readership knows how much I appreciate this amazing author. Tolkien’s novels have led me to journey deep within, as his characters journeyed through Middle-Earth. I have come more and more into who I am, even as Aragorn, Arwen, Bilbo and Frodo have discovered who they are. With them, I have faced my fears and grown through battles and disappointments. Fictional tales may be stories about made up characters, but the truths contained within are very real.

Elizabeth Gilbert – Eat, Pray, Love. I picked up this book after watching the movie by the same title. I so identified with Liz. Oh, our circumstances weren’t exactly the same, and I didn’t travel to Italy, India and Indonesia for a year, although that sounded wonderful! However, I did understand her need to discover who she was and what she had to offer to the world, as that was my need as well. I had chosen to believe what everyone else said was true about me and live under the expectations of others. My journey didn’t take me out of the country, but it did take me into the unexplored country of my heart and soul, my gifts and my desires. Liz has recently come back, strongly, into my awareness. I am appreciating her insights, as posted on her Facebook page, and reading Eat, Pray, Love again.

Byron Katie – Loving What Is, I Need Your Love Is That True?, A Thousand Names for Joy. I only began reading Byron Katie’s books a little over a year ago, although I’ve been familiar with her works for several years. The writings of BK have helped me to question the thoughts I have and the stories I tell myself that I create around those thoughts. Katie has a process called The Work that asks four simple questions and offers a turn around statement, for the thoughts that I latch onto and begin to believe are true. I have experienced so much freedom in my mind and in my life thanks to the understanding that most of the stories I have created, about myself and others, are not true.

I am grateful for these three authors, and many more, who by following their hearts, and their passions, have infused my own heart with courage and joy and have given me a sense of direction for my journey. That is no small feat. I honor all those who create with words, birthing their thoughts, stories and insights into life and sharing their gifts with the world, and with me. I am inspired.

July 6, 2014

Day 187: Love Letter

This morning, as I was contemplating what my first would be after rain shifted my plans, an idea arose. As I moved through the day, the idea grew, and I realized I had received several nudges toward today’s first. I just needed to acknowledge it and go with it. Yesterday, I shared a post from Begin with Yes on my Facebook wall. In part, it says, “Walk on the wild side today: Wear a wrinkled shirt, memorize a short poem or write yourself a love letter. “ That post reminded me that a year ago, before I knew I would be moving beyond by doing a year of firsts, I had written down that intention, to write a love letter to myself. Today, for my first, I did.

Last summer, I spent time sorting through old beliefs. I was learning from an amazing author, named Byron Katie, to question those beliefs and the thoughts and stories I told myself that rose up around them. I listened to Byron Katie read her book, “Loving What Is”, on Audible and was intrigued when she spoke of having a loving relationship with oneself as an exciting, knee trembling, deep as you want it to go type of connection. I knew I didn’t have that. One evening I made a list of all the things people tend to do when they are entering into a new relationship. On the list were things like, Listen, know the other person’s hopes, beliefs, dreams and fears, be present, celebrate successes, spend quality time together and write love letters. At the bottom of the list I wrote, “I choose to develop such a relationship with….ME.”

That was a great little exercise that opened my heart and shifted my thinking. Although I stayed mindful of what I had written, I put the notebook away without doing many of the things listed there. We are told to love our neighbors as ourselves, implying a high level of love and care. Yet as children or adults, we aren’t told, or shown, how to create healthy self-love. We often lose sight of who we are as we enter school and we are taught to conform and be like everyone else. Fear of being thought of as selfish causes us to try to love others more, put others first, but it is difficult to do when we don’t really know what deep unconditional love looks like, feels like. Self-love is not the same as self-centered. One has to do with the heart, the other with the ego.

I sat this afternoon with the laptop perched on my knees, and wrote a love letter to myself. I had to get past the notion that this was a silly thing to do. I had to let go of concern about what anyone else would think. I decided to just type as fast as I could and let the thoughts flow as words though my fingers. I didn’t edit or over think what I was doing or react to what I was typing. I allowed love to flow, unfettered, from my deepest heart. When I finished, I emailed the letter, from one of my Gmail accounts, to another.

When I opened the letter, I read it slowly and thoughtfully. I read it as a letter of love and encouragement from someone who cares deeply for me and has only my best interest in mind. I was moved. Tears filled my eyes and space opened up around my heart. Everyone should receive such a letter. I saved mine.

I have learned much in the last year about letting go of the past, letting go of those old beliefs and letting go of expectations where others are concerned. I have opened my heart more to myself and in doing so, more to others. For it is only in loving myself without judgment that I can even begin to hope to do the same for another. Loving myself, I am free to love another without demanding anything from him or her. I am complete, and the love can overflow without fear of how it is received or whether it is returned.

D. Antoinette Foy says, “The core of your true self is never lost. Let go of all the pretending and the becoming you’ve done just to belong. Curl up with your rawness and come home. You don’t have to find yourself; you just have to let yourself in.” Beautiful. I have thrown open the door and invited myself in. I am home.

June 6, 2014

Day 157: Make Friends with the Rain

Byron Katie, author of the book “Loving What Is”, lived in Barstow, CA, a desert town where apparently the wind blew almost continually. People hated the wind. Some even moved away from Barstow because of the it. After she stopped arguing with reality, and accepted what was, Byron Katie became known as the woman who made friends with the wind. As she said, “How do I know that the wind should blow? It’s blowing!”

I felt like that today. I showed property in the rain, shopped for and bought plants and flowers in the rain, unloaded those plants and flowers in the rain, arrived for Zumba class and left Zumba class in the rain, and fed and cared for my friend’s pets, whiles she’s away on vacation, in the rain. I got wet several times today….soaked. I changed clothes twice. Fixed my hair multiple times. I could fuss, complain or resist the rain. I could wish it wasn’t raining. The reality is, it rained today. It’s been raining, at least a little bit, every day for the past week or so. And it’s going to rain tomorrow. I decided today, for my first, to make friends with the rain.

Several years ago, I received a framed print that reads, “Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning to dance in the rain.” I’ve come to appreciate that truth more and more. To wait out a situation, helplessly, is to take myself out of the flow of life. It puts me in victim mode. To accept a situation is to accept the reality of what is, and creates peace in my heart and in my world. I may not be able to change the situation, but I can change the way I perceive it and respond to it. I can, indeed, dance.

The rain today, was just rain. Yes, I had to be out in it. However, I could find reasons to be grateful for the rain: We need the moisture, since my region is behind the average rain fall amount for the year. The newly planted areas of my garden are benefitting greatly from this long drink of water. I have not had to water my garden myself! These are rain showers, for the most part, rather than severe thunderstorms, yesterday’s tempest not included. No real damage from that storm. Unlike a well known character in a place called Oz, I don’t melt when doused with water. The rain cleanses the air. The rain has a beauty and musical sound all its own. I was virtually alone as I shopped for plants and flowers at Lowe’s, as others seemed to choose to stay inside, and I was able to get a great selection at great sale prices.

I sang and laughed in the rain as I unloaded the plants from the truck. And that’s when I realized I had, indeed, made friends with the rain. I welcomed it. Greg drove me to my friend’s house so I could care for her pets, and as we arrived, another downpour began. It was the perfect moment to capture my relationship with the rain with a pic. To quote Byron Katie again, “The only time we suffer is when we believe a thought that argues with what is.” Holding onto the thought that it shouldn’t be raining, would have invited suffering into my life. I didn’t want suffering. It should be raining today. How do I know? Because…it was.