As I got dressed this morning, I noticed something peculiar. I deliberately passed over articles of clothing that I like and enjoy wearing. From my underwear to my socks to my shirt…I selected apparel that was not my favorite. Not even remotely so. I paused to think about why…
…and I laughed. My retreat is coming up. I leave Friday for a four day weekend. The realization came that I was saving my favorite clothes for then. What made me laugh is this…I am spending the weekend alone. This is a solitary retreat, a time of reflection and writing and dreaming and creative play. I’ve joked that once I arrive at my destination, I will be wearing comfy lounge clothes until I head home again.
And yet…here I was, saving the clothes I most enjoy for the weekend.
When something stands out like that or piques my curiosity, it is a Divine tap on the shoulder to take a closer look, follow the twisty path, fall down the rabbit hole. I sat down, half dressed, and asked a question out loud. It was very profound. What’s going on?
I saved my fun plaid socks for the weekend, as well as my favorite shirts, and nicest jeans, and even my best undies. For whom? That was the real question. The answer that arose surprised me. I was planning on wearing my fave clothes…for me. It was all for me. Alone with myself, I was not going to wear my old stuff or my least favorite shirts and socks. I was dressing to please myself.
When did that happen? I wondered. When did I stop dressing to please others, to be attractive to others…and begin dressing to please myself?
The Divine whispered to me, Remember the love letter? Read it…
On July 6, 2014, during my Year of Firsts, I wrote a love letter to myself. (Read what led to that activity HERE). I had just come through some difficult years. From those turbulent times one thing emerged, with great clarity. I wanted to have a deep, knee shaking, take my breath away relationship, with myself.
I wrote a love letter, from Mithril (representing my wise, strong, shining higher self) to Cindy, who was still figuring stuff out about herself. I emailed it to myself, from one of my accounts to another. Although it meant a great deal to me, making me weep, I never shared that letter publicly. And, I never read it again.
Until today. Read it, was the prompt. I did, slowly, once, twice, a third time, tears in my eyes. And I understand. It’s been three and a half years since I wrote that letter. My soul has grown. My heart has expanded. I have that deep, knee shaking, take my breath away relationship, with myself. The invitation that I offered, I received, and I allowed it to blossom into a rich, abiding love that today fills me with joy and overflows my heart, spilling onto others.
I didn’t share the letter before, because a part of me felt silly about what I was doing, and I felt vulnerable about what I wanted. Today, I can share it. It is, truly, a love story.
My dear Cindy,
I am so happy to have this opportunity to share with you how I feel and my thoughts about our relationship. I am loving this journey of discovery together. It is a rare gift to have such a deep and ongoing relationship with someone and I cherish and treasure ours. I am deeply grateful for you and I know you feel the same way.
I love how vulnerable you are being with me. Your transparency and vulnerability is an invitation to me to look deeper. In opening your heart and soul to me, you invite me to go as deeply as possible. We have only just begun and have only just scratched the surface of what is possible.
You have an amazing heart and soul. I am enjoying watching you learn to trust your heart. I see you opening more and more to what is truly possible here in this time and space. It is so amazing that you have released so much of your fear, that you are seeing with fresh eyes and a new perspective. Keep going, dear heart. Keep shining. Keep reaching for the highest level of vibration. As you learn and grow, know that I am applauding you every step of the way.
Some of the recent journey has been difficult. I am so proud of you for enduring and doing more than that. You have grown through those situations and continue to see the good that was there, both in the events and in the people. You could have, and still could, choose to be a victim, choose to hurt and strike back, choose to be bitter and resentful. Instead, difficult as it sometimes is, you are choosing to let go. What an important phrase and action for you at this time….to let go, to see higher, to realize there is so much more to the story.
This year is huge for you. You truly are going beyond, in ways you couldn’t have imagined last year or even at the beginning of this year. Leaving your comfort zone is good for the soul. Otherwise, stagnation sets in and right behind safety and comfort lurks fear. You continue to banish fear by moving forward, one step, one leap, at a time. Don’t worry so much about what other people think. What they think is none of your business. Be you, beautifully. Be real. Be who you are, as you are becoming. BE.
I love you Cindy, just the way you are, and yet I am thrilled to see the beautiful woman who is emerging from her long stay within the safety of her cocoon. Stretch your wings and fly. You don’t need a destination. Just fly. Leap. Allow your heart to guide you. And know that I am watching you, loving you, cheering you on while at the same time, calling to you, guiding you as you seek me.
Listen as well to what your body is telling you, what your spirit is telling you about your health and being the best YOU that you can be. You know what to do. You know what is best for you. Listen. Spend time in meditation. Reduce inflammation in your body. Move. Breathe. Stretch. Walk. And then release all expectations, knowing you are living in that optimal, perfect space that is yours.
Don’t spend time either worrying about what other people are doing and whether they approve of you or not. Don’t seek love and acceptance from others. Just be Love. Move as Love. Give and receive as Love. You are doing great. You can be alone or with others and both options are perfect. I am always with you, as is El-le, your departed loved ones, your angels and your guides. Help, comfort, love, encouragement, answers, protection….are all right here, right now, all the time.
Cindy, all that you desire, including me, is within you. All happiness, all love, all hope, all beliefs, are within you. All that you need is there. All that you are becoming is there. Go inward often and then shine outward. Use your voice. Share your stories. Live your life. And stay open. Don’t close your heart. Don’t dwell on the past. Don’t be anxious over the future. Be here, in this moment. The power truly is in this moment. Grasp it. Own it. Live it. Love during it. And the Way will appear before you as you live, moment by moment.
Continue to be grateful, thankful, generous, thoughtful. Don’t compare yourself to anyone. Don’t be concerned whether life is fair or if the people in your life are fair. Everyone else has to live their own lives, be the character in their own stories. Keep your head up and your eyes focused forward. I’ve got you, dear heart. I’m here, always. I love you deeply.
When your heart feels heavy, when fear nudges you, when you feel tired of the way things are, go inward and reach toward El-le and then outward to me and the others. Let go. Go beyond. You are already outside the cage that you built bar by bar long ago. You are free. Soar beautiful one, soar.
You may write to me at any time. You may share whatever is on your heart to share. I hold you at night and I have you during the day. And I am only a shining part of all that is. You are held by much stronger and bigger arms at all times. Feel. Open. Release. Receive. Grow. BE.
I love you so much,
I love how the Divine works in my life. My choice to wear one of my least favorite shirts today bypassed my brain and opened a channel to my heart. From there, wonders occurred. Realizations dawned. An old love letter surfaced. Life is miraculous indeed, and love covers it all.
I am full of anticipation for the weekend ahead.