The deep inner work I am doing, exploring my early childhood so as to free my younger self from the vows she made, is creating many ahas and a profound sense of wonderment. It is also generating some interesting dreams as my subconscious processes what I am uncovering.
Last night I awoke from such a dream that at first disturbed me greatly. As I have delved more into the symbolism today that sense of dismay has transformed into heart felt amazement.
In the dream a baby was lying in a box, crying. They weren’t hungry or fretful cries. She was angry, afraid, alone. As I leaned down to pick her up, others in the room with me protested, even though the baby’s loud, indignant cries bothered them. “Don’t pick her up!” they admonished me. “Leave her in the box. Let her cry.”
I picked up the baby anyway. “Can’t you see that she is in pain? Can’t you see how weary she is?” I asked. I felt some anger myself that anyone could ignore this child.
I cradled the baby girl in my arms and walked around with her. Exhausted, she fell asleep, snuggled up against my heart. I refused to lay her down, even though the others demanded that I do so. I was not going to abandon this wee girl. I wanted her to feel safe and loved. I wanted her to know she was not alone.
I am a lucid dreamer, meaning that as I held the baby I was aware of the symbolism of the dream. I knew enough to realize that not only was I the one cradling the infant, I was the baby girl, crying out in fear and frustration from the box I had been placed in. I was also the one who put the baby in the box. And those voices urging me to leave her alone…they were also mine. All of the characters in my dream reflected back to me different aspects of myself, hence the reason the dream was disturbing to me.
The closest I came to actually being in a box, as an infant.
Oh, this work I am doing is opening up so much and allowing me to see what formed my personality. As a result of early fears and traumas, between the ages of two years and four, I lost my voice. I went silent and lost the ability to express myself through anger and tears. I lost the ability to express my pain, and I’ve worked my whole life to keep parts of myself contained.
I have gone beyond the vow of silence I made as a toddler and uncovered the box…and there is a wailing child inside. A part of me does want to leave her there and pretend she does not exist. However my nurturing side, my mother’s heart, knows what that child needs. The babe needs to be allowed to use her voice and express her fear and rage and pain. And then, safe in the arms of love, she can rest and be.
It is astounding to me, how this story is unfolding and where this journey has led. I understand myself better. I see why I am the way I am. My early experiences taught me to be silent, taught me to be a people pleaser. Julia Cameron writes, “As you come to know yourself, the light you have to see by increases, and you present to yourself and the world a more complete, authentic and unique persona.”
I am seeing with great clarity as the light to see by increases. And to further encourage me and call me onward and upward, I’ve been given the word enchant for next year. Enchant…to sing or speak into existence. What a powerful word for one who was silent for so long. How freeing it is to use my voice through spoken words, through song, through written words, to create my reality. I am living in the enchantment of my own life.